Hospital Visits

Today I'm leaving work just a tad early to make the looong trek out to see my favorite baby (BF's niece) in the hospital. She is 8 months old and had heart surgery yesterday. I want to see her but at the same time don't, I just know it will be difficult and heartbreaking.

I've been lucky to not have much illness in my life or those of loved ones when I was younger. However in the past few years things haven't been so good. It may be my lack of experience with illness in myself & loved ones that I never know what I'm supposed to do. I think to myself, should I visit? will I just be in the way? I don't want to burden people who are already dealing with so much...

About 2 1/2 years ago my Aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer, this branch of the family lives 5 hours away in Nor-Cal. My mom and I visited after her masectomy. Then a year ago, my cousin (her daughter) who is like a sister to me was also diagnosed. This time, I was there during the surgery. I debated whether to go and realized later that it was the best thing I could do for her. I stayed with her that first night so her mom could get some rest. It was exhausting and emotionally draining, but I'm so glad I did it. I wish I had stayed longer though. I figured I'd be back soon, and tag along with her to chemo. But I haven't. Well I have visited, but it never falls on her chemo week. I was just there this past weekend. We are an emotionally handicapped family. We aren't very open with our feelings. We don't talk much on the phone and especially not about what she is going through with cancer. Its great to see that she seems fine and has her hair and is starting grad school online but I wish we knew when this would be over.

I wasn't sure whether I should visit the baby or not, but decided to just go. I have heard all good things about the surgery and that she is recovering well and will likely go home Thursday. Even if I don't get to see her, or she is asleep or whatever apparently being there for her parents may provide some sort of comfort. I wouldn't know, like I said I'm slightly emotionally disabled. Either way off I go.

Wee bit of me Wednesday

Yes I'm late with this as its Thursday but I love borrowing these prompts because sometimes I just can't think of stuff to blog about and I'm gonna try to do it more regularly

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{one} have you ever crawled through a window?
geez I have a horrible memory so I'm not sure, but I vaguely remember going into a window at some point because we locked ourselves out, I just don't know who "we" was or what house
{two} what’s one subject that you wish you knew more about?health
{three} who’s your favorite villain?again, with the bad memory I think there was a character named something Khan who was a bad guy on tail spin waaaaay back when... I just really like the name Khan
{four} have you ever hit a jackpot on a slot machine?how much is considered a jackpot? I think I won like $200 dollars once in palm springs and I was REALLY excited about that. the best part? I wasn't gambling with my own money... when I was about to walk away from that machine a guy sitting next to me said wait play some more and put money in it for me! and he didn't even try to hit on me! awesome!
{five} what is your favorite disney movie?bambi, I think just because I received it as a gift when I was a kid (I think from my dad)
{six} if the whole world were listening, what would you say?I think the world would rather not hear what I have to say, so I'll spare you
{seven} if you could choose one song to describe you or your life, what would it be?"be happy" by Mary J. Blige b/c that's all I really want but why is it so hard?
{eight} your desk: messy or organized?relatively organized
{nine} have you ever had surgery?yes, oral surgery to get all 4 wisdom teeth out. they were impacted
{ten} if you could have any animal as a pet, what would you have?a dog! I always want to have at least one dog, a female dog, preferably an adoptee and a mutt
I currently am on my 2nd and have had her for over 13 years!

this is from leigh ashley's blog http://www.myleighashley.com/ I tried adding the button on top but am not sure that it worked... I need a blog tutorial, my blog is plain and boring compared to lots of super cool ones I follow

Therapy

Today I started therapy... well not according to my therapist, she says today was an evaluation and our sessions will start next week.

Either way it is a pretty big step for me. I have issues, (who doesn't) and I'm doing something about it! I'm proud of myself and looking forward to an improvement in my emotional well-being.

Alot of people consider blogging therapy, and sure I sometimes do it to vent to. Sometimes I notice the blogosphere can be very supportive of others, but even still I think I need a professional. I think alot of people can benefit from therapy. There is still a sort of stigma against therapy although I know alot of people think of it as no big deal (as I do). I recently read an article in Glamour about anxiety and just how common it is. I already knew I may have it or at least some symptoms of it by then but it was reassuring that Glamour was putting it out there and raising awareness, encouraging their readers to seek help if they needed it. Going to therapy does not mean that I am crazy or anybody else who goes is crazy.

Talking to friends or family can help, but sometimes you just need to vent and not worry about offending anybody. I think the blog is a great avenue for this. I don't want to offend any readers either but what I mean is that you don't know me, I don't know you so if we understand each other great, but if we don't that's OK too. Times are tough, I'm kinda having a quarter life crisis and I worry alot about sooo many things. If anybody reading this thinks they may have anxiety, depression or other emotional issues that could benefit from seeking treatment with a therapist I encourage you to do your research. You will realize that these problems are very common, and are treatable. I pondered taking this step for several months and made an appointment once I found a therapist that I thought would fit my needs and be understanding about my background. I'm looking forward to being able to relax, sleep better and improved relationships with my loved ones among other benefits.

Q&A

I've seen this on a few other blogs, so although I'm not 'tagged' I'm taking these prompts as a post idea

1. BLT or PB&J?
I like both but prefer PB&J (with coffee!)


2. If you had to choose, would you give up your home Internet access or cable TV?
Since I can use the internet at work or at libraries if absolutely necessary, I'd give up internet at home if I had to choose.


3. Do believe in astrology?
I wouldn't say believe, but I'll read my horoscope in magazines and stuff.


4. What is the last CD or iTunes single you purchased?
hmmm I don't have my iPod with me so I can't check for sure what single song, but I do recall the last whole album I bought was M.I.A.'s new one, right when it came out(July I think) and actually I have yet to listen to the whole thing


5. If you could trade bodies with one celebrity, who would you choose?
Maybe Rachel McAdams b/c BF thinks she's super hott, (I guess I agree a little) How tall is she though? If I trade bodies I'd want to be shorter than I currently am


6. How many pairs of shoes are in your closet?
good question, I'd guess over 30


7. Do you make your bed every day?
No, I'm always running late


8. What college football team are you rooting for this season?
UCLA!

Another Set:
1. What's on your to-do list this week?
Wash my car, go for a long walk at least 3 times


2. If you found a $100 bill in a coat pocket, what would you spend it on?
Maybe a new purse

3. What is one new item you want to splurge on for your home/apartment?
I don't have my own place (yet) but when I do, I want to splurge on a high end vaccum

4. What are you most looking forward to about fall?
cuddle weather!

5. What's the next book on your reading list?
I just started Last Night at Chateau Marmont and up next is The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

6. What fall TV premiere are you most looking forward to?
Modern Family

7. What is your LEAST favorite household chore?
Cleaning the Toilet

8. Which section at Target always sucks you in and forces you to buy things you don't need?
Cosmetics or Clothing

Starting a new Journey

So now that I'm done with my accounting class and have completed all the requirements for a certificate in Business Management, I've decided to start a new endeavor.

FYI, I'm Catholic. I went to Catholic school from Pre-School to High School. I'm not super duper devout in the sense that I go to mass every single week, but I have never "lost my faith". Most catholic kids (I think) get baptized as babies, do their first communion around the 2nd grade and get confirmed in high school.

I'll be 29 soon and have not yet been confirmed, but I went to my first confirmation class yesterday. It was a bit odd. As much as I love God and Mary, the holy spirit, and the saints... Its very hard (for me) to embody the teachings of the church in the world we live in. I felt guilty sitting there hearing about what you are supposed to do knowing that hours earlier when a pregnant woman asked me for money on the street I lied to her and said I didn't have any. This is Los Angeles, and if I gave money to every person who asked for it, I'd then be the one panhandling.

Yesterday after class, I was in a bad mood, and unsure if I even really wanted to go through with it. Today I feel a little better. Although "the church" may not agree, I think God is understanding of my position. I am not a bad person. I may not be as good a person as I should be, but I am definitely not a bad person. I'm jaded. I'm disappointed by alot of things in this world. And I think to myself, why should I help others who have made bad decisions? what's in it for me? who bothers to help me?
I do alot for my loved ones, friends and family and for charity. But random strangers? I'm sorry but I have too much mistrust.

I'm good to my loved ones, and very supportive in times of need. This journey may have me feeling conflicted at certain points but I think it is the right thing for me. I know at the very least, it will make my mom happy and will then allow me to be married in the church when my time comes.

Let's try this again...

So I started blogging a while back and then wasn't so pleased with my rants... Initially I thought it would be good to vent by writing because some of my feelings I can't really share with people I know as they'll easily be misinterpreted and/or be taken as offensive... I thought the blogosphere would be safe since nobody I know or nobody at all really seems to actually read my stuff. But you never know, so I deleted one post in particular and hadn't really written anything in 6 months.
Anyway I have kept reading other blogs and figured I'd give this another shot.

So its September 1st and I'm feeling pretty hopeful about the next few months and especially about next year. I'm finally feeling like my relationship is moving forward. I never thought I would be the type to give a dude the ultimatum, but I kinda did. So I'm not engaged yet, and actually I'm not so concerned with being engaged at all. But We do have plans to move in together no later than January, and probably getting married about 6 months later. It will be difficult financially since he does not currently have a job, and I don't make very much. But it will be oh so worth it. I'm happier with the simple thought of having that to look forward to. We currently both live at home but when we get time alone its awesome! I am absolutely un-domestic but I will learn and do my best (luckily he isn't picky about what he eats).

In other news, today I will be taking my final for an online accounting class I'm currently enrolled in. This is the last in a series of classes that I've been taking for the sake of obtaining a 'certificate' in Business Management. I hope this will do me some good in eventually getting a better job. I like my job, but I think I can do better. It would be nice to stay in the same company but be challenged, and make more money of course. These days I'm glad to have a job at all. So I will wait my turn for bigger and better things.

I'm looking forward to the long weekend, reading for leisure, watching movies, taking walks with my doggie, having some nice meals and cuddling.

Q&A

I found this set of questions on a blog and decided to borrow it since I haven't posted in some time.

I'm actually not as tech/blog savvy as most of the bloggers I follow so I'm afraid my posts are actually just boring, plain text. I'll try to incorporate pics in the future but for now...

1. How many piercing's do you have?
Just the standard 2, (one in each ear obvs) its been that way since I was a baby but I hardly ever wear earrings

2. I love the sound of.....?
I ADORE the sound of my dog walking around our tile floor, she also sounds super cute on wood floors.

3. Favorite city?
wow I dunno San Francisco is pretty great

4. Colts, Saints, or could care less?
I guess this list is kind of old but I didn't care

5. Frozen yogurt or ice cream?
Ice cream (but I can't have any until Easter)

6. Favorite appetizer?
This is also hard to narrow down, I like calamari (when done right) and bruschetta

7. What item in your closet currently makes you the happiest?
My Bass tote bag b/c if I'm using it, that means I'm going away probably to visit BF

8.Favorite facial moisturizer?
hmm Cetaphil b/c its so simple and non-irritating, but I'm exploring more antiaging options now that I am *gasp* 28

Not so Hot

Some background on me: I'm 28 and have a decent job, but this is not where I saw myself when I graduated college. I expected bigger and better for myself.
Hence, I am taking graduate business courses. Business is not exactly my cup of tea but I'm doing it to make myself more marketable.

I started off working toward a Business Management Certificate which consists of 7 courses. So far I've taken 5 including Management, CIS, Marketing, Statistics and Econ. I wanted to try this out first and decide whether or not to pursue and MBA. The verdict, highly unlikely. I've done well enough so far but I'm just not into it.

Now, on to the not so hot part of the post:
This quarter I'm taking Finance. Yesterday we had a quiz and I didn't do so well. I often get discouraged and think that taking these courses will do me no good and I'll be stuck as an assistant forever. The BF usually makes me feel better and just tells me to be patient and what not. I know that in this economy and particularly in super competitive Los Angeles I am lucky to even have a job. My job is good and I do acknowledge that but like I said, I want bigger and better.
Therefore I will try to do much better on next week's midterm. Wish me luck blogosphere... thx!

Pledge to Read

In my random blog browsing I came accross this button that I have now added to my own blog. I wholeheartedly support this sentiment and would encourage others to do the same. I abvolutely LOVE to read!
Mostly I'm a fiction girl, but ocassionaly there is a non-fiction book that is good enough to keep my attention and also of course there are magazines & newspapers for keeping current. I used to work at a library and my favorite task would be processing new books into the collection in part because I love the smell of new books. On my first date with the BF he actually schockingly (to me at the time b/c I wouldn't expect any guy to and also to anyone who knows him)agreed to accompany me to a book signing. I love receiving and giving books as gifts, especially to babies/kids. Also, I love chatting with fellow book lovers about stuff we each have read getting and giving recommendations. So on that note I will recommend a book in case anyone ever reads this blog.

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho is a short, and I think highly relatable story. I think anyone from say middle school onward can appreciate the simplicity of this inspirational tale.
Since reading The Alchemist I have read several other works by this author and while I have enjoyed all, I do believe this is his best.

Just my luck

Annoyance: Angelenos are pretty spoiled when it comes to weather. This week has brought some crazy storms. For a long time now I had thought about buying rain boots but figured it would be a waste.
Well today I have class. I have taken only online classes this past year and it just figures that the quarter I decide to go on campus coincides with the worst storm in recent history. Fingers crossed that a tornado doesn't hit right when I'm walking from the car to class.

Actually rain isn't so bad. I consider it cuddle weather. My cuddle buddy (BF) is out of town :(

Hello e-World!

I LOVE BLOGS! I read blogs all the time and occassionaly comment on them but had always considered myself too private/reserved to actually write a blog myself.
Well I'm giving it a shot. I figure I'll post a little and see how it goes.
I want to be able to vent a little to people I don't know and who won't judge. Well some of you may judge but that's OK since we don't actually know each other. And if you don't like the blog, just don't read it, easy peasy. The internet is great isn't it?
I'll just randomly share what I find amusing and also what annoys me. LOTS of stuff annoys me.
But also lots of stuff makes me happy, I have a great-ish family & BF, an awesometastic pup, and I'm relatively healthy and need to remember that I have lots to be thankful for and pleased with in life, so not all my posts will be about annoyances, (let's hope). So.... hello blogosphere, I have officially joined.
-Claudia